On Lightbulb Moment, Grief and Self-Love

I had a very strange epiphany recently.

It was during my Reformer Pilates class and in one of those moments where I had my own reflection in the mirror staring back at me – I realised how old I’ve aged. And that this face and body have held up so much all these years. I really need to treat myself better and kinder from now on.

At this instance, younger versions of me started voicing out “what about me?” and then I realised all these versions of me were a big part of who I am today. I didn’t treat them gently and kindly as I would with others. Despite me going big on self-love and building the relationship we have with ourselves, I realised I have deeper layers to unravel this season. It was hard to squeeze out self-compassion since the beginning of 2026. I had so much criticism and judgement about myself.

I start grieving these younger versions of me that couldn’t get the self-love I crave (in the middle of pilates class?!) and instead sought them externally through productivity, checklists and external affirmations. I was craving praises from others – clearly a starvation from the lack of self-praise and self-affirmation. I felt like an imposter, again. Proclaiming the importance of self-love and self-compassion when I am running on zero for myself.

However, I did notice something differently I did this time. I was still able to show up and do the things I didn’t feel like doing (but needed to professionally) and realised - hey, it wasn’t so bad after all. I continue to show up for myself – going for massage, got my CNY pedicure, and took my daily lunch with Netflix (guilt-free).

And the most important difference was a different kind of self-talk that runs parallel to my inner critique – I started being curious with my feelings. More specifically, I started allowing myself to feel the anger, the judgements, the disappointments and the shame, not as the adult Caihui, but as a younger Caihui. It could be Caihui as a girl, as a young adult or even the new mummy version of me. I would put a hand to my heart and pat her/myself. I would remind that she is safe, safe to feel and safe to cry. As you all already know, emotions only have a 90 second lifespan (if we fully allow to let it run its course), otherwise they end up stuck in the body. Literally. And then the shift comes when I ask this next: “What does Caihui need now”?

Often, what comes up is just safety. I wanted to know I am safe. That I am not in trouble. That I will not be scolded or punished. That I will not be rejected or excluded. That I don’t need any fixing – there’s nothing wrong with me. That I am so wonderful for trying despite the struggles. That I am seen, heard and felt. And these are the very basic human needs that most of us don’t receive from adults when we are children. Not that the adults are flawed but sadly, this was how they were brought up. I truly needed to be this adult for myself.

I don’t need solutions because I am fully capable of problem-solving.

I just needed to know that I am safe (for context, my nervous system has been in fight or flight the most part of my life).

And this epiphany comes timely when I will be embarking on a new course as a Breathwork practitioner. Specifically, Breathwork Mastery RBM, a 2 years breathwork program from Australia. I can’t wait for my breathwork retreat in Australia in April – my very first visit to the country and I am feeling extremely scared & excited at the same time. Here’s reminding myself that I can feel both and I can be both.

I am also excited to see how I can unravel deeper layers within me to be a better version of myself – for myself, family, friends, clients and community.

And instead of feeling guilty for this privilege I enjoy, I will choose to lean into gratitude and the purpose to serve.

I can’t wait to explore integrating conscious breathe to the art experiences I offer and how this would influence my art style.

I am so curious to see how all these will unfold.

Sending love and light to all of you 💗

PS: super proud to write this blog free from AI assistance, within a record time of 30 minutes! I've got this :)