I Came Third Again. But This Time, Nothing Needed Fixing.

Last year, I participated in the 59th Japanese Speech Contest and received third place. I was proud of myself, but I was also disappointed that I did not win.

At that time, it was difficult to hold both emotions together. If I was grateful, was I still allowed to feel disappointed? If I was proud, did wanting more mean I was not appreciative enough?

I used to perceive emotions as more binary. We are either happy or sad, grateful or disappointed, proud or dissatisfied. One emotion seemed to cancel out the other, as though I had to choose the “correct” way to feel.

That experience inspired me to create an artwork called Emotional Freedom: Nothing Needs Fixing. The swirling colours represented the messy and conflicting emotions within us. Gratitude can coexist with disappointment, pride with doubt, and joy with fear.

Perhaps emotional freedom is not about resolving every contradiction. Perhaps it is allowing everything to be present without deciding that one part should not be there.

The seeds I could not see

At that time, I thought I had entered a speech contest and received third place. That was the obvious outcome, but I could not yet see all the seeds that had been planted through that one experience.

The original Nothing Needs Fixing artwork was eventually collected by a life transformation coach. Today, it hangs in her coaching studio, reminding the women she works with that nothing needs fixing. The artwork also led to a bigger commissioned version that was completed early this year.

With my life coach Elynn - Nothing Needs Fixing now hangs proudly in her beautiful space at The Mind Studio

Completed and delivered the bigger commissioned Nothing Needs Fixing this January

Another long-held dream was taking root too.

For many years, I had wanted to teach pastel art and connect with the local Japanese community. I studied Japanese Studies, lived and worked in Japan, and hoped that one day I could bring these different parts of myself together. But for many years, that door did not open.

The speech contest gave me visibility within the Japanese Association of Singapore. People came to know me, remember me and recognise my work. That connection eventually opened the door for me to begin teaching pastel art there this year.

Today, I get to connect with the community and serve them through my art. We create, talk and laugh together while I bridge my love for Japan and Singapore.

I thought I was entering a speech contest. I did not know I was planting seeds for an artwork, new commissions, a long-held dream and a place within a community I had wanted to serve for years.

Same contest. Same result.

Delivering my speech at this year's SJ60 Japanese Speech Contest

This July, I returned to the Japanese Speech Contest. The timing was far from ideal because I had to leave for the airport immediately afterwards to fly to Australia for my Breathwork Mastery RBM training retreat. I almost allowed that to stop me, but I showed up anyway.

And I received third place again.

In RBM, we call experiences like these “setups”. They bring us back in touch with our beliefs, perceptions and familiar ways of relating. The same contest and the same result felt almost like a retest, allowing me to witness what had changed within me.

I still felt a little disappointed that I did not win. Of course, I had secretly hoped for first place. But I also enjoyed the journey, felt proud that I showed up and was grateful for the friends who came to support me.

Most importantly, I did not need to make the result mean anything about me. Coming in third did not mean I was not good enough, nor did it erase the effort, courage or joy within the experience.

The outcome stayed the same, but the way I related to myself had changed.

Nothing needs fixing does not mean there is nothing to learn

Accepting the result does not mean convincing myself that there is nothing I could improve. Perhaps I could have tied my speech more strongly to its title, and what I am learning through Toastmasters this year may come in handy if I choose to participate again.

“Nothing needs fixing” does not mean there is nothing to learn. It means I can recognise where there is room for growth without turning it into evidence that something is wrong with me.

I can be proud and still want to improve. I can be grateful and still feel disappointed. Everything gets to exist.

What else might this seed become?

When I returned this year, people remembered me and my speech from the year before. Showing up once had already left an impression, and I received encouragement to participate again next year.

I have no idea if I will. It is not my priority right now, and I do not need to decide yet. At the contest after-party, I joked that if I joined again, it would be my third attempt, so perhaps my next speech should be about not giving up. LOL.

Perhaps we do not need to force every experience to mean something immediately. The outcome may not be what we hoped for, but that does not mean nothing is happening.

Sometimes, we simply need to meet ourselves with kindness, remain open to what there is to learn and give the seeds time to show us what they were planted for.