Motherhood: The alarm I couldn't snooze

Reflecting on My Self-Discovery Journey

As I reflect on my self-discovery journey, I often ask myself rhetorical questions like: What would I have been if I hadn’t gotten married or become a mum? One thing I’m quite certain of is this: I might not have embarked on this journey if I hadn’t become a mother.

Interestingly, my husband once pointed out that I might have been a happier person if I hadn’t started this journey because, well, ignorance is bliss.

While there may be some truth to that, from where I stand now, I think it would have been a life wasted if I had continued being run of the mill, playing a mindless part in the rat race of life and living life on autopilot—unable to release the expired beliefs and conditioning that no longer serve me, and therefore unable to reach the full potential that was inherently in me.

I liken us to beautiful, fresh bulbs when we are born—light, bright, and pure essence. As we grow up, every experience, trauma, and conditioning wraps our essence in a layer of veil, until we no longer operate from our purest part. This is where the journey of self-discovery comes in: unwrapping each veil that no longer serves us, to uncover the purest essence within.

This pure light is what we truly are.

As I reflect on motherhood, I am thankful for the gifts it bring—both the joy and the pain are equally important in making me who I am today. Of course, this wouldn’t have been possible without the support of my husband (who is of a totally different breed from me 😂) and his unconditional love. For this, once again, I must thank the 19-year-old Caihui who relentlessly pursued this guy!

What I Wouldn’t Have Done Without Motherhood

1. Become an Artist

Diving 100% into motherhood as a high-stakes job with KPIs, coupled with the increasing guilt of rest, I put it upon myself to prove my worth through the results of my daughters since I wasn't generating any income as a stay-at-home mother. A recipe for disaster. The burnout and loss of identity as an individual led me back to my love—art. Eventually, it opened doors and gave me the courage to call myself an artist. This led me to where I am today, creating a career not yet written or created, by me, for me—a self-love artist who creates affirmation art as an energy anchor to empower and uplift others. May my artworks be the cheerleader that brings out the pure light in others covered by the veil of past conditionings!

2. Be an Entrepreneur

When I first learned about Human Design, and that I am a manifesting generator with multiple passions, being asked to niche down or pivot to one area felt like killing me softly. It now makes sense why, all along, I have had so many passions. I was often called someone who cannot sustain her passion, with no perseverance or focus sizzling away fast—even as recently as this year. Then I questioned myself: Is this what perseverance is about, to continue the pursuit even when the joy is no longer there? I think that is sheer torture.

I decided to live life on my own terms, especially as a neurodivergent. For context, I have severe inattentive ADHD (in the top 98th percentile), but that is not an excuse for whatever skills I might lack. It is a way for me to honour the way I work, in the way that suits my brain. We all have different brain signatures. Mine just doesn’t follow neurotypical measures. Entrepreneurship is super exciting for me—I can be an artist who sells her original paintings, teach workshops, collaborate with aligned souls to curate workshops that serve, create wearable art that gives my creative vision a wider reach, be a global speaker on the impact of self-love and art, and the list goes on. I am not limited to any particular genre and I don’t need to be bound by conventional standards.

3. Making a Police Report When My Modesty Was Outraged

This was something I couldn’t share with anyone else earlier.

The incident was fairly recent and brought me distress and shame I couldn’t speak of. At the end of 2023, I was at a restaurant at Haji Lane with a fellow artist friend. There was a particular guy who kept coming by our table to invite us to the restaurant where he worked. I saw that as just trying to get more customers and tried to be polite. It was raining heavily when my friend and I parted ways. She got into her private hire ride and I was on my way to mine. This guy offered to shelter me with a huge golf umbrella—I was really hesitant because he made me feel uncomfortable, but my friend had gifted me a drawing she made for me and my foldable umbrella wasn’t providing enough coverage, so I relented. As I was entering the car, he lowered the umbrella and pecked a kiss on my neck. I was utterly shocked. Guess what I did? I smiled at him and closed the door. The bloody people-pleaser in me, even when my modesty was outraged, was still concerned he might get angry. Granted, the rain was very heavy, he was much bigger than me (I’m already 1.74m, by the way) and I was really scared.

If you know me, my dressing has always been modest. I didn’t even think I was leading him on. But the shame that came after that—scrubbing my neck multiple times because I felt so dirty and tainted by him, fearing to tell my husband (I did, and he was supportive), and just wondering what I did to deserve this. I even wondered if it was my fault. Should I even make a police report? It’s such a “small thing” and I might put the guy in trouble (honestly, why should I even spare a thought for the perpetrator?). After a day of processing, something in me eventually gave me strength—my daughters. I thought: If they were to go through something similar, I want them to know they have the right to protect themselves. And they should. I made the report online and gave my statement at the police station. They even arranged for counsellors for me, which was really thoughtful (I thought I didn’t need it since it was a “small” incident, but I decided to follow my heart and I’m glad I did).

Eventually, the case was closed in my favour and the guy was given a stern warning (which was the outcome I wanted, provided he didn't already have a similar criminal record). It is still traumatising to talk about this as I type. I am probably the last person I thought would have such experiences given my height and how I am often mistaken for a man. By sharing my story, I hope that if you are ever caught in a similar situation (which I hope you never will), know that no incident is ever too small. If these perpetrators aren’t taught a lesson, they would think it is okay to continue preying on other victims. We need to show them everyone deserves dignity.

4. Learning to Be My Own BFF

If I didn’t have kids, I would have continued to let the critical part of me live rent-free in my head, beating myself up and still doing nothing about it. With kids, the voice became more aggressive, eventually leading to a toxic relationship with rest, up till today. June’s newsletter came late because I was sick and guess what—I WAS RESISTING BEING SICK AND HAVING TO REST. I had so much shame in sending the newsletter late as I felt I had failed. And broke my streak.

Have you ever played Duolingo? Depending on how competitive you are, you would try to save your hearts by making as little mistakes as possible, stay on the leaderboard for as long as you can (which means constantly hustling for your XPs!), or waste your time watching extra ads just to hustle for another heart. I was living my life like that. FOMO to the max. My leaderboard was an imaginary one made by myself. Losing streaks (like not falling sick in 2025 so far, always sending my newsletter on time… duh) was a huge blow to my ego.

Swinging from the young me who was constantly procrastinating, fearing to step into my own light and avoiding all challenges, to becoming a crazy hustler after I became a mum and being FOMO with everything to make up for the regrets of my past of not taking action, this all-or-nothing attitude really took a toll not only on my mental, emotional and physical health but also strained my relationships and hurt the people who are close to me.

Seeing how my daughters can enjoy themselves reminded me how carefree I used to be—that sparked the 2025 KPI of “Fun”. To choose myself, to embrace rest and be my own BFF. To slowly unravel the veil, to find my own essence and be my own light.

Join Me at the Human Library (19 July 2025)

Join me at the Human Library hosted by The Mind Studio!

If you are keen to hear this story in person, do join me at the Human Library event hosted by The Mind Studio on 19 July 2025 (Sat). I will be a human book (come read me!) and since it’s also TMS’s 5th anniversary, let’s celebrate together and be inspired by the other human books at this unique event. I’d love for you to be there—click here for more information.

A Final Reflection

My daughters gave me the strength to challenge myself and step into being a role model for them to demonstrate how it is possible to pursue yourself even amidst challenges—nothing is impossible. Be your own BFF, identify your biggest vision and dreams, then take aligned small steps towards them. Time can always be made to create small changes instead of making excuses. Why let our lives be dictated by how others live theirs? No shame, no blame.

Now on to you:

• What was your turning point in life?

• Who or what forced you off autopilot?

  
  

If you think you still aren’t taking that step towards the goal or dream of yours, it’s never too late. Maybe we all need a good alarm to wake us up. The alarm that we can't snooze—just like what Motherhood is for me.

What could that be for you? Share with me below, I'd love to read it!