I Can’t Believe This Happened to Me --Healing My Inner Critic After 12 Years

In my 12 years of self-development journey, this has been the toughest to overcome - my harshest & most brutal critical voice. This inner critic is the kind of voice that you slowly develop from young, where you can no longer pinpoint who it belongs to. It eventually gets welded into your entire psyche where you accept that it is your inner voice.

This is a subconscious voice, the kind that whispers words that cut through your heart like a knife - the kind of negative self-talk that feels almost normal over time, disguised with loving intentions but laced with thorns and blades. You never question whose voice it belongs to… because it seems to have existed since Day 1.

I was at my worst mental state 12 years back - giving my all into what I believed would give me my self-worth through productivity, listening to the commands inside my head. She would shout and yell at me with all kinds of vulgarities, insults and the meanest comments you can’t even imagine.

It starts right from the moment I wake up.

“What the heck are you doing? Get up, get ready and start working!”

“Breakfast? Taking your own sweet time? This is terrible. What kind of person are you taking things so slowly in the morning?”

“Everyone’s already working in the office! You are still at home? Eating? Reading? What a luxury! Don’t you feel bad relaxing?”

I never, never could start my morning in peace.

I always start my mornings with guilt.

Guilt for having the luxury of time, guilt for having choices, guilt for not having a 9–5 job earning a steady income. Toxic was the word to describe my relationship with rest - I truly did not know how to rest without guilt. And even while resting, my mind would be hurling insults at me.

It was only in the last 2–3 years that I finally see some changes.

Through a beautiful community of women called CEOBabes, I was held in kindness. I had references and anchors on how my fellow CEOBabes learn to rest, celebrate and choose themselves. I never knew I needed role models like that in my burnout recovery and healing journey.

Slowly, I learned to rewire.

Slowly, I learned to choose myself.

And all of a sudden, I realised that voice in the morning - the one that scolded me for filling my own cup first - gone.

VAMOOSE.

That realisation this week hit me REALLY hard.

I never thought she can be gone.

I can’t believe this can happen to me.

That I could now fill my own cup in the morning first unapologetically.

That I can have permission from myself to choose myself, first thing in the morning.

That my Reiki & breathwork can be done with spaciousness because they are my non-negotiables, without the nagging shrill of my critical voice.

That I can have all this ease as I do my yoga stretches before a shower and a hearty breakfast to start my day.

That I can claim my mornings like this without guilt or shame - because my self-worth is no longer tied to constant productivity or a 9–5 structure.

I hustle in my own way - with space, with ease and with fun.

I am privileged, and I am not ashamed of that.

Learning to enjoy my hearty breakfast with the occasional fun - home picnic!

I am privileged, and the more I need to enjoy this benefit to give thanks and appreciation to loved ones, opportunities and the universe that make this possible.

And the greatest appreciation would be to the person typing this blog post at 10pm (LOL - inspiration calls!) who continues to grow despite the discomfort, who continues to show up despite the vulnerability, who decides to choose herself even when she was uncertain.

The universe sent a test to me recently.

Through the young man of my favourite economic rice stall. He asked, “Eh sis, you don’t work one is it? You always look so free.”

The old Caihui would have exploded.

She would have been offended. Probably even so irritated that she didn’t realise she was raising her voice, trying to justify and explain how busy she always is - almost insinuating rest and relaxation is only for the weak.

This time?

I felt a sliver of a trigger rising.

Then it went away.

I paused. And I smiled.

I no longer need to be defensive.

Because the most important person knows I am working - me.

I am doing meaningful work that allows me to serve through art.

Meaningful work that allows me to choose my time and energy.

Meaningful work that allows me to have fun and show up for my family.

And through the mess of the world right now, it might feel like we need to do something.

I fully agree.

The most important thing we need to do is to take good care of ourselves.

To practice self-love and healthy boundaries, to own our voice, and to be compassionate and kind to ourselves.

And let these ripple out positively to the world.

I can’t believe this can happen to me.

This kind of inner critic healing is possible.

And it can happen for you too.

Keep believing.

Keep choosing yourself.

Let us rise again, just like the phoenix

Cheering for you 💛